I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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