her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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