How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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