brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
