i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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