Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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