Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize