remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
