Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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