I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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