She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
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