hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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