Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
