I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
