I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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