i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
