i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The struggles of a small town man whore
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
