She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize