My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize