We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
