Christians are straight up FREAKS
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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