i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
