Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize