Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
