i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
