I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
