Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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