Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
