My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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