my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i need some magic done to my vagina
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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