FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
did i just pee glitter
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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