i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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