She said her name was "party"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
