If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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