I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
