Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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