Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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