I think I died a long time ago.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
