bring money and cleavage
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
false alarm, still single
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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