My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I could fuck to npr.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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