watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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