His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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