my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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