You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
