Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
