New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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