Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
