I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
