I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
