Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
MIDGETS
????
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
