I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
