You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
