So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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