just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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