How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up under a house in Key West
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