I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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