you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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