in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
