My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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